Its April 29th, 2020... the day after my son's funeral. I have so much to write, so much to say.
Too much for one blog, so I'll just write about small individual memories or events that will stick with me till the end of my days. Today's thought centers around Dylan's musical tastes.
It's no secret that my kids grew up hearing a lot of music both live and recorded. I've played in bands since I was a teenager and actually met their mother while I was playing music in the mid 1980's. They observed band practices, live gigs, watched me with curiosity as I changed guitar strings and even showed up in the background of some of my original recordings of the day. Music was in their DNA. Funny enough, neither of my two oldest kids ever pursued music as a genuine hobby nor did I ever push it on them. I've always felt it was a passion that one needed to attain on their own. They need to get bit by the "bug." My youngest boy did take piano lessons and played in the High School Marching band, but it was never his passion. Neither was it Dylan's although he did enjoy playing a bit of drums from time to time. He took lessons but there just wasn't enough passion there to pursue. I get it.
In fact, it was one of many similarities between Dylan and myself that I came to notice. I was getting guitar lessons as a child, but I really wanted to play baseball. In other words, it wasn't my passion. After years of "fly specked" notes, I was going NOWHERE. I resented even going to lessons. I fact, I was about to quit when I saw a rerun of the Beatles at SHEA STADIUM on TV!!!! I had reached puberty and now those screaming girls became my motivation. I finally caught the "bug" I remember thinking to myself as Dylan was going to drum lessons, I know how he feels. He's not into it so I'm not going to press it.
However, even though Dylan wasn't driven to play a musical instrument, He LOVED music and much to my surprise, enjoyed much of what I liked. He really had a passion for much of the later Beatles, ELO, Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix and others. One album and band that he really loved was, Days Of Future Past by the Moody Blues. He told me a heart warming story of a time he took a copy of the CD to a party in Missouri where he was living by then. After several minutes of silence at the party, Dylan took the opportunity to put Days Of Future Past in the CD player. There is a very slow fade in on the album and soon after the music began, somebody asked, " who put this shit on?" Dylan said, " I did" "and it's a great fucking CD".
I was proud of him for his courage and his individualism to play that album for a group of kids at a beer party who obviously wouldn't know great music if it bit them on their pimply ASS!!!
One of the LAST RECORDS I acquired while I was still living at my parent in the ORANGE ROOM was QUADROPHENIA by THE WHO. I had just turned 20 and my Mom brought it home from a garage sale. I had seen the album cover before but never heard the record. As I played it over and over, I fell in love with its songs and the concept. Jimmy in the story, is still living at home...LIKE ME!!!. He was searching for himself...LIKE ME!!!!! He was experimenting with Drugs....LIKE ME. It spoke to me. The perfect TEENAGE scenario.
Heres the lyrics to the song that really spoke to me:
CUT MY HAIR
Why should I care
If I have to cut my hair?
I've got to move with the fashion
Or be outcast
I know I should fight
But my old man he's really alright
And I'm still living at home
Even though it won't last
Zoot suit, white jacket with side vents
Five inches long
I'm out on the street again
And I'm leaping along
I'm dressed right for a beach fight
But I just can't explain
Why that uncertain feeling is still
Here in my brain
The kids at school
Have parents that seem so cool
And though I don't want to hurt them
Mine want me their way
I clean my room and my shoes
But my mother found a box of blues
And there doesn't seem much hope
They'll let me stay
Zoot suit, white jacket with side vents
Five inches long
I'm out on the street again
And I'm leaping along
I'm dressed right for a beach fight
But I just can't explain
Why that uncertain feeling is still
Here in my brain
Why do I have to be different to them?
Just to earn the respect of a dance hall friend
We have the same old row, again and again
Why do I have to move with a crowd
Of kids that hardly notice I'm around
I work myself to death just to fit in
I'm coming down
Got home on the very first train from town
My dad just left for work
He wasn't talking
It's all a game
And inside I'm just the same
My fried egg makes me sick
First thing in the morning
I was 20, my dad really didn't like my long hair. He was in the military and the "wartime coat" shown on the album cover was what my Dad wore to the Air National Guard every day of my life. When you're 20, you're trying to fit in at school and meet new people. I was beginning to wear more flambouant clothes and sometimes make up at gigs. I was experimenting with drugs and actually, let go from a job because a co worker told the boss I had smoked pot the day before at work. ( although, he did too ) I was growing but unsure what my next step should be. That Uncertain feeling”.
I know I should fight
But my old man he's really alright
And I'm still living at home
Even though it won't last"
I knew that the time was coming soon that I needed to leave THE ORANGE ROOM and find myself. That “uncertain feeling” was in my brain too. The lyrics of Cut My Hair reinforced my feelings. My Dad and I were different people and growing in different ways, BUT...as the song said, my OLD MAN he's really alright....and I'm still living at home, even though it won't last!!!! The song still brings back that feeling from 1979 in MY ORANGE ROOM.
Fast forward 33 years.
My son Dylan is 20 years old and still living with us in Bellevue Illinois. Him and I have had a few incidents where we did not see eye to eye...let's leave it at that. By now, I'm the Dad!!!! Life has reversed the tables and now my son was probably feeling the same feelings and anxieties as I was at his age!!!!! With all this happening, I found out that THE WHO were getting back together to play the QUADROPHENIA album in its entirety in Chicago the coming Novermber. This would have been 2012. I NEEDED to take Dylan to see this show with me. I burnt a CD of the album and told him to listen to it and I'd get tickets to the show. He did listen and said he loved it!!!! The stage was set.
I guess the point I'm trying to make here is the symbiotic nature of the event. He was in the exact place of time in his life where I was was when I first heard Quadrophenia in 1979! I'm happy to say that the concert was AMAZING and Dylan loved it VERY MUCH. When the song, CUT MY HAIR was played, the hairs on my arms stood on end. I looked over at Dylan and he was LOOKING AT ME!!!! Connection!!!!! We were thinking the same thing as the lyrics were booming out through the ALLSTATE ARENA!!!
Why do I have to be different to them?
Just to earn the respect of a dance hall friend
We have the same old row, again and again
Why do I have to move with a crowd
Of kids that hardly notice I'm around
I work myself to death just to fit in
Dylan was learning at 20, about fitting in. But why bother? He was his own person. Thats OK! Just like putting on Moody Blues to a room of friends. He KNEW it was good music!!! Fuck them if they don't get it! I remember feeling that way at 20.
The song continued:
The kids at school
Have parents that seem so cool
And though I don't want to hurt them
Mine want me their way
I clean my room and my shoes
But my mother found a box of blues
And there doesn't seem much hope
They'll let me stay
So close to home.
I felt the same way at 20. I know Dylan did too.
But it was during this line that our eyes met and it still gives my chills:
I've got to move with the fashion
Or be outcast
I know I should fight
But my old man he's really alright
And I'm still living at home
Even though it won't last
I'm STILL LIVING AT HOME...EVEN THOUGH IT WONT LAST. Our eyes met....We looked back at the stage and enjoyed the rest of the concert.
Dylan left our home the next Spring. He was ready to spread his wings and fly on his own. He was 20 years old. The same age I was when I left my home...THE ORANGE ROOM and my parents house. He and I were a lot alike. I was happy that he found someone to love him like we did. I'm so happy he met his girlfriend, Ashley and felt the rush of life on his own!
I love you Dylan.
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