Ever since my radiation therapy, which ended in February 2021, I've experienced several side effects that have become irrevocable. One that I have had to get used to is incontinence. When I have to "go," I have a very short window before nature will begin without me. I have had many close calls, and my wife and I have had to plan accordingly. She organized an emergency kit that we always keep in our car and has come in handy over the past several years when we travel to Florida for the winter. The kit contains toilet paper, wet wipes, sanitizer, and an extra pair of underwear and gym trunks. We never leave home without 'em. This lifestyle change has not been easy for me since I was the kind of guy who never used public restrooms in the past if I could help it. Unfortunately, no matter how prepared you are, there are times when "the kit" isn't available.
I've had several strange "poop" incidents that have left me in a compromised situation. Since I rarely used public restrooms, I now have become accustomed to the fact that you have a 50-50 chance of having toilet paper in the stall and an even lesser chance of having hot water. The "kit" comes to the rescue! But, as I said, sometimes "the Kit" isn't available.
During our first Winter in Florida, Marc, our drummer, and I drove to Ft Meyers to watch The Beatles Get Back Rooftop Concert at an IMAX theater. Since Marc drove, I trusted that any bathroom facility that I needed would be stocked with toilet paper and there wouldn't be any embarrassing moments. I guess I should have known better!!!! After the film, we stopped at a Fridays for some dinner and a few beers. It was a slow night, which turned out to be a good thing for me. While Marc chatted with another customer at the bar, I excused myself for the inevitable restaurant bathroom visit. The bathrooms were in a darker corner of the restaurant, and I went about my business. The moment of truth arrived and hit me like a ton of bricks!!! NO TOILET PAPER!!!! DAMMIT!!! It wasn't like they were busy!!!! Couldn't someone have checked the bathrooms during their shift??? Without my "kit,' I was stranded without a prayer!!!
After a few minutes, I knew what had to be done, but it wasn't going to be pleasant or easy. I just kept telling myself that the place was not busy and the bathrooms were not terribly close to the tables. I raised my soiled buttocks off the throne and began to "crab walk" to the door to not let my cheeks touch. Then, I quickly "crab walked" one leg at a time out of the men's room and into the ladies' room, which, luckily, no one was using. I snatched the toilet paper in there and retraced my steps back into the men's room!!! After cleaning myself, I walked back to the bar, thinking, why does this shit happen to me???
There have been other close calls, but nothing as bad as last winter in Florida. I joined a local Planet Fitness for three months to get some exercise, and everything was fine until one morning, Mother Nature became quite angry with me while I was using a treadmill. I didn't think there would be a problem since the locker rooms had plenty of stalls and a large staff, I figured there would be no surprises. I was WRONG!!! I quickly found an open stall, and the door locked as I sat down just in time. I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me, but I was happy that I found a bathroom in time. Then I realized that I was in a small room with four walls, a full toilet, and ZERO TOILET PAPER!!!!! No spares!!! No way to ask for a courtesy roll from underneath, and this time, no way to "crab walk" my way out of this one!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!! Hadn't I learned my lesson by now? People are lazy, and there must have been three employees just shooting the SHIT at the counter!!!! Now, here I was.... in the SHITTER...helpless!!!
Well, drastic situations deserve drastic measures!!! I was wearing shorts, a tee shirt, white socks and tennis shoes!!!! Socks???? Hmmm? Socks!!!! But only two!!!! This would have to work!! But I only had two chances to get it right. So, without further adieu, I removed my shoes and socks and, before I grossed myself out, wiped my rear and laid the makeshift cotton toilet balls aside while I tied the laces of my shoes. Then, as nonchalantly as I could, I tossed the evidence into the closest garbage can, washed my hands, and exited the scene of the crime. My workout had come to an early close, and I couldn't wait to get out of there and take a shower when I got home. On the way out, I passed the three staff members standing at the counter. Then, I turned around, put my sunglasses on the top of my head so they could get a good look at my face, and calmly reported that one of their bathroom stalls was OUT OF TOILET PAPER!!! I hope they remembered me when the stench in the garbage can became unbearable!!!
Just a story of desperation from the Orange Room.
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