The Toes That Binds.....

They say that no bond is closer than family and I can certainly attest to this declaration. Before Orange Rooms and guitars, I shared a bedroom with my brother. Jamey was three years younger than me and I was terrible to him most of the time. Often, he asked for it!! He could be very annoying and could be such a contrarian. We didn't have a lot in common and by the time our younger brother was born, I found myself sharing my enthusiasm for all things sports more with him than our middle brother Jamey.

Jamey was different, more of a loner but as time passed and we all grew up, Jamey, in my opinion, became the most talented of the three of us. I can barely put together a bookshelf with explicit directions. Jamey on the other hand, built a FUCKING HOUSE on his first try!!!! But, back in the 60's and early 70's he was still my annoying little brother and I'm ashamed to say I treated him and Loren a bit like Moe from the Three Stooges. There were many face slaps and full head blows that often ended up with the afflicted running upstairs and tattling to Mom.... which on their return, they received more sucker punches. "Why, I outta"!!!!! SMACK!!!!

I remember one particular vacation driving out east. Mom smoked Bell Air cigarettes while Dad drove endlessly in the front seat of the red 1969 Dodge station wagon. The three brothers each had personally laid claim to EXACTLY one third of the back section of the wagon. All the seats had been reclined and every inch was measured in advance as to not give any one brother extra leg room. This was a constant exercise in equity among the three brothers. Like on the rare evening that we would get to drink some Pepsi Cola. It was a treasured treat to be able to share ONE bottle of Pepsi between the THREE OF US. No bottle apiece crap back then!!!! With the eyes of a bald eagle, one brother would pour the caramel colored liquid evenly into THREE separate glasses while the second brother made sure that each glass had EXACTLY the same amount of soda!!! The third brother would get first choice and the other brothers took what was left. There was no room for error. The prize was too great...Pepsi Cola...and then one of us would wet the bed. Meanwhile, back to the backseat of the station wagon.

After many hours on the interstate, one of us probably briefly crossed the NO FLY ZONE, and a foot had entered the other brothers personal space. I can't remember what exactly happened but I do remember Jamey telling me he was gonna tell Mom!!! Something came over me and I decided, " NO YOU'RE NOT" !!!! I raised my arm and balled my fist and proceeded to punch my brother between his shoulder blades with a blow hard enough to take out prizefighter!!!! It made a dull THWACK sound that our Mom heard up in the front seat!!! "What was that?" she asked. "Nothing" I yelled back. Jamey's face was now going from a red to an interesting shade of purple when it dawned on me that I had knocked the wind out of my little brother and he was possibly dying!!!! "What's wrong with Jamey?" Mom asked as she saw that I was looking at him with concern. "Nothing" I replied as I pushed my face closer to his and quietly demanded, "breathe...breathe dammit". He then took giant gasp of sweet oxygen and finally breathed again. No one died that day but it was close.

On another occasion, things took an unexpected turn one night while the three of us were showering in our basement. Let me first explain our shower set up in the family basement and our nightly rituals. Dad had always wanted a large shower but for one reason or another, he didn't finish the actual shower stall for many years. Instead, he installed the shower pipe and shower head close to a drain in the floor of the unfinished side of our large basement. Around the shower head, Dad had erected a shower curtain held from the ceiling by coat hangers and curtain rings in a semi circle configuration. Hey it worked!!!!

The three of us discovered that without a concrete stall obstructing our play, we could soap up our bodies and the floor on either side of the shower curtain.... and then line up at the FAR end of the basement..... and then run and SLIDE on the wet soapy concrete THROUGH THE CURTAIN .... then exit on the other side and continue sliding all the way to the other FAR end of the basement...coming to a halt somewhere shy of the cat box. Now many times, the slides would end with one of us actually IN THE CAT BOX. A few pieces of cat POOP stuck somewhere on our torso...but we'd flick them off and slide back into the water for a quick clean up. No hurt no foul!!!

One night the sliding got a little more rowdy than usual and for some reason. I went into my Moe routine from the Three Stooges and began a few head slaps. I think Jamey swung back and the next thing I remember was moving my right leg back as far as I could and kicking him right in the bare ASS!!!! That would show him who was boss!!!! What I didn't expect was that my big toe went right up his tiny BUTT HOLE and my kick was thrown off by a slight resistance as I tried to return my foot back to the floor and regain my balance. I'm sure I heard a pop much like that of a finger being removed from a bowling ball that was too tight!!!! POP!!!

Of course, it hurt and Jamey went running upstairs holding his butthole and I was preparing for the worst with his return.

Luckily, I can't remember what happened after that shower incident but one thing was sure, it was a million to one shot It could never happen again in a million years. This story has become a family classic but it's just another Tale From The Orange Room.