Back in my ORANGE ROOM, I would repeatedly listen to The Beatles White Album over and over. One of my favorite songs was Helter Skelter....."you may be a lover but you ain't no dancer...Helter Skelter!!!! The song took a frightening and menacing turn once the black lights were turned on and the day glow posters would illuminate. Today's Tale From The Orange Room borrows from that Beatles lyric and although the tale is not frightening or menacing....to me anyway.... it's still one of those mad cap memories from the cobwebs of my mind.
It was another hot and humid summer night in the mid 1980's. I was living next door to the old Sky Harbor with my soon to be first wife but I was was still occasionally finding myself downtown with friends. Perhaps it was a full moon.The full moon has always made me a little bit crazy. Once again, I can't remember what led us downtown this particular night, but TIMES SQUARE was THE late night place to be then. It's been several clubs before and since, but back then, Times Square had good live music..... so I imagine we were just out watching a band. But eventually, the band played their last number and it was 1:30. The night should have been over...but not for us.
Back in the day, The world famous BIG AL'S was directly next door to Times Square. I knew the bouncer, so I could usually get in free. For some of you who don't know, Big Al's was a speakeasy, a strip bar. Classy yet gaudy at the same time. It was Big Al's...no other pace like it in town. I remember going there often in the early 80's after Times Square got boring. I even remember taking my Dad to Times Square and later to Big Al's the night we learned our grandmother, my Dad's mom, had passed away. How bizarre was that? Dad in his
National Guard uniform with me watching dancers. But..... back to my tale.
After the band was finished at Times Square, my friend and I walked over to Al's and had a few more beers. before too long we were leaving the club with two of Al's finest dancers...heading to my car!!!! I'm a bit foggy on how this situation came to be. I'm thinking that my buddy may have known one of them but either way, we were buying them breakfast. I'm sure we were being played.... but it was ok. We ended up at the Copper Kettle. I pulled up out side and parked while my buddy and I fell out of the front, followed by two leggy women in glitter and platform shoes. we found a seat and ordered food. I don't think I ate.
Everything was going well as I remember. The chatter was flirtatious but clearly we were only there to feed these beauties of the night. I had a fiancé to go home to for goodness sake!!! After the breakfast was about over, I could tell we were being used, so I decided to bring this night to a SCREECHING HAULT!!!
The ceiling was very high, and out of the blue, I grabbed the squeezable yellow mustard bottle and proudly announced that I bet I could squeeze this bottle hard enough that mustard would reach the ceiling!!!
And with that, I squeezed that plastic mustard bottle with every ounce of strength I had!!! We all watched the bright yellow condiment leave it's container like a swirling ladder of wonder! Higher and higher it seemed to go..... in slow motion. The rest of the bar were unaware of the rocket launch that had just taken place, but like the old saying goes....what goes up...must come down!!!! It seemed it came down a lot faster than it went up, and it chose it's own landing pad......right in the purse of the dancer next to me! To make matters worse, mustard ricocheted off her purse and ended up on the woman's chest, boobs and hair!! Whoops! sorry!!! Check please.
I don't remember much about the ride home but I think I dropped everyone off at their own cars and I drove home alone. The next day, my fiancé' asked where I'd been, and I proceeded to tell the story of the dancer's mustard attack. She was NOT impressed. But, I told her that I did bring her home a present. "Yeah?" she said. I pulled out a shiny grey jacket with fur collar that one of the dancers had left in my car. It was VERY outlandish and very "strippery". It also had a cigarette burn on the front. Whoops!!!! I hadn't noticed that. It was then I learned a valuable lesson. Women DO NOT LIKE other women's STUFF. It doesn't matter if its furniture, jewelry, or clothes. It's a NO NO!!!! Especially if it's a strippers jacker that was doused in mustard the night before at breakfast. I lived to tell the story again all these years later.....In the ORAGE ROOM.
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