You're Born Into This World Alone......

There is a famous saying that goes, " You're born into this world alone and you leave this world alone." Most of us crave companionship so we don't have to be alone. We get married or we gather in groups or with friends to feel secure. Lately, I've been thinking about this phrase a lot. It may be when I'm waiting to see a doctor, or laying on an operating table. Sometimes it's just while I'm running a routine errand, but It's the same feeling I had when I was a very small boy playing outside on a Summer day.

My first memories of life come to me in short bursts..... more like random film clips than complete scenarios. I see morning sunlight brightly shining through tall trees, clouds slowly moving across blue skies, grass, wind, birds singing and most of all, I’m alone. I was born in June of 1959 and was the first of three brothers, so that would explain why I remember being alone for several years of my life. Back then, I'd wake up and my Mom would feed and dress me then send me outside to play. There was no one for me to play with in those early days....so I'd play by myself. They were simpler times and the thought of me getting kidnapped by some crazy pervert was far down the list of potential worries. We had a red swing set at the end of a large backyard which butted against a golden cornfield. Beyond that cornfield is where CEFCU in Bartonville now stands. It was my world.

My parents were lucky enough to have a film camera back then so I've had the advantage of backing up my random memories with celluloid evidence of those years. Some of the things I remember from those early days are laying on my back and watching the clouds. I'd also play a game with myself where I'd shut my eyes and while the sun was shining on me, I'd begin to press my eye lids with my fingers until I'd begin to see patterns in my head. It's hard to explain, but after a few seconds, I could enter another dimension. I'd feel like I was entering my own head from the outside. in fact, the outside world would totally disappear. The patterns swirled and twirled and reminded me of what I now know as paisley. Sometimes it would remind me of what I now know as a kaleidoscope. Pretty psychedelic stuff for a 3 or 4 year old.

On one particular day, I had wondered a little too far from our long backyard, past the red swing set and into the cornfield. My Dad and I had flown a kite back there but I barley remember that. My Mom told me the story many times though. On this day, I do remember being alone in that cornfield.... just exploring until I came across this deep hole in the middle of the field. No one believes me to this day, but I swear I heard the sound of a porpoise or dolphin at the bottom of that hole.... crying!!! I couldn't see down far enough in the darkness but I was certain a porpoise had fallen into that dark void and could not find it's way back out!!!! I ran all the way back out of the cornfield and past the swings, up our back stairs and breathlessly told my Mom what I had discovered. I thought she would be so proud of me and we could rescue poor flipper together!!! She didn't seem as enthusiastic as me to be a part of the evacuation and told me I was being silly. 'SHIT WOMAN, there's a porpoise out there dying and you won't help me'! I said to myself, "you're gonna have porpoise blood on your hands lady".

Another morning I remember wasn't a fantasy at all. We had a family dog, a golden retriever named Snuffy. Snuffy would play with me sometimes in the mornings but on this particular day, he didn't. I remember coming back into the house to grab a drink or something and Snuffy was laying in the shade between our sidewalk and house. It seemed normal enough and I bent down to pet him. I noticed that he didn't move. Normally, Snuffy would raise his head to receive more attention. Today, he laid still. I ran up the stairs and half jokingly said to my Mom, " I think Snuffy's dead." I didn't mean it of course but Mom went outside and began to cry. She could see that our precious Snuffy had BEEN SHOT!!!! She called Dad and he came hope immediately. Sure enough…. a .22 …..whatever that meant. I sobbed after learning that Snuffy would not be coming back to play anymore. It was my first experience with death. I thought of Snuffy often especially when I'd hear Puff The Magic Dragon on Captain Kangaroo. That song reminded me of Snuffy. Perhaps the world wasn't as simple as I thought.

I continued to play by myself and usually remember feeling at one with the world on those mornings. There was no other sound or conversation other than the birds singing or the wind blowing through the trees. I was totally alone....just me and GOD. My most innocent. The true ME!!!! Before sin, before corruption, before brainwashing, before EVERYTHING. Sometimes I have that feeling even now and I recognize it. That same feeling I had as a child. Just me and GOD. I know in my heart.... that is the real me. Lately, I've felt it more often since I've had some health issues. It's a little scary....to be alone but it's how we are born into this world and how we will leave this world. ALONE.